To the friend I lost

To the friend I lost, I am sorry. We were friends from the age of 14 and we supported each other through really tough times. School being one of them. You were there for me when he was horrible and told me I wasn’t good enough. You were there for me when I was struggling with my faith. You are there for me when they threw cans of juice at us for being Goths. I was selfish in our friendship and I didn’t know the dark secrets you were keeping and I never asked you. I never asked why you were depressed but somehow we didn’t need to talk about why we were self harming we were just there as a constant comfort for one another. Looking back the signs were all there but you are a private person and you’re a thinker and you don’t just let anybody in. I respect that.

The sleepovers, the laughter and the countless tears all added up and we became crazy best friends. You are an extreme introvert, very academic, very creative and incredibly good at drawing. God I was so envious of you sitting all three science subjects and art. How I wished to be half as cool as you, you were such an icon to me. There are so many stories and good times shared together. Like that time it was 2:30am and we recreated Harry Potter Puppet Pals for YouTube or that time we sat in school just hanging out waiting to go to the lunch hall, the hours listening to Newton Faulkner live and on our IPods. All of the songs we used to create about the mean people we went to school with, the silly verses we would write to sing to our made up songs and the silliness that drove our other friends mad! There are so many pictures, so many memories I cherish.

I was selfish in our friendship. I wasn’t there for you as much as I should have been. I am sorry about that. I haven’t been a good friend to you and when you needed me to fight for us, I ran away hurt and confused. I should of stood and fought for us, for the years of laughter and fun. We were young and we didn’t talk about it, we just got hurt and resentful. When the big fall out happened I didn’t realise what that would mean for us. It would mean that every time I walked past your flat I got really sad, to the point now where I don’t walk past it anymore. I don’t have any pictures of us around my living room. I go through our old pictures on my profile and I am mixed with happy memories and sad ones.

To the friend I lost, to you, I don’t know how to make it up to you. I don’t know how to fix it and I am coming to terms with the fact that I probably can’t fix it. I should have fought for us and the regret I carry about that will stay with me as we grow older and as our life carries us in many different directions. The pain I feel when I hear one of our songs, the pain I feel when I see teenagers with their friends carrying on, and the sadness I now carry daily is a constant reminder. I have lost you. I am sorry.

Sorry doesn’t seem like a big enough word somehow but there it is. I am sorry for the part I played in the situation we’re in now. Maybe now that I’ve written this I can move on. I wish you so much happiness in your life. I want you to be successful, I want you to live the life you want and I want you to get more cats. I’m not under the impression that our lives won’t be full of happiness and love but I know that in my life, you’ll always be missed. I will always have that part of me that will crave your friendship but I am not naive. I know that the door has probably closed on us but to the friend I have lost, and you know who you are, you are missed and you are loved.

catrionaweir

Netflix obsessed, coffee drinking expert trying to navigate through this thing we call life.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *